12 February
My Pet Hate List
When I was fifteen, burdened by the contrast between the massive bewildering greatness and converse cruel terribleness of the world and its people, I decided to make a list: I called this list, ‘The Pet Hate List’. Word of this epic undertaking soon spread to friends on the other side of schools–in one case even endorsed by a popular ’hard-nut’–and one day, several weeks later, a friend who had no idea what he was in for challenged to me to a ‘List Off’. Ha! I laughed in his face, tha amateur! Challenge me to a list off? “Any day,” I said, “Do your worst, pal!” The challenge was, if it needs to be said, to come up with as many pet hates as was possible in one week. I pulverized my friend, of course, and taught him a jolly good lesson which has now become the stuff of myth and legend to a tiny group of English people (but with the internet, who knows how far it spread and how many lives it’s affected?)
A few of these Pet Hates are listed below; see how many you can come up with!
1) Post-it notes which have no glue, and you can’t stick to anything! Utterly useless, honestly!
2) White toilet brushes. No explanation needed, I feel. Actually include in that all luxury bathroom accessories.
3) Ignorant people who call bicycle skids ‘immature’.
4) Anyone who dislikes The Brittas Empire for any reason (none of which can be valid, because I grew up with that show and loved it completely).
5) Teachers with really bad breath. (A lasting impression of this haunted me for ages.)
6) That awkward moment when you’re walking down the street and someone copies the exact way you move sideways, crab-like, not letting you past, making you both feel like a right pair of ‘na-nas…
7) Commas in general; not to mention semi-colons, of course.